Friday, February 19, 2010

Things i don't like about more a secret!!

Wow, that's a pretty harsh title for a post, but that's basically what this is about. I'm not talking about the superficial things I don't like about myself - I can get over that stuff. I'm talking about the fundamentals, those things at the core of your personality that make you shudder when you think of them. There are a ton of things I do that I'm not proud of. Lately, they've been creeping up in my personal life a lot. As much as I want to change them, some of them I think I'm stuck with, but others I'd like to work on. Here are the top 2:
  1. I'm a coward. No, seriously I am. I am incredibly spineless when it comes to everything, especially with my friends. I don't like having difficult conversations and so I just don't have them. I ignore things I don't like, shove them from my mind and instead focus on the positive. The problem is, those things always bubble up to the surface and when they do, they explode. I'm not the kind of girl that has several little nitpicky fights with my friends. I'm the girl who you'll know for years and never have a single fight and then one day I'll either just stop talking to you or worse, we'll have the mother of all fights and years of issues will come spewing out of my mouth. This is really not good. I need to learn to tell people how I feel, for better or for worse. The funny thing is that I have no problem with blunt honesty directed at me, but I can't seem to dish it out. I need to work on this, especially since I can't imagine being in a real relationship with someone and not being able to be honest with them.
  2. I can be spiteful and petty and I have a wicked tongue. People who don't really know me think I'm a very nice girl. But, I'll let you in on a secret - I'm not really a very nice girl. I am a B***. I can be really evil and I learned from the best. My mother is one of the meanest people I've ever met, and while I'm never that outwardly mean to anyone, I have a sharp, sarcastic sense of humor and I could probably make you cry if I wanted to. While I don't normally unleash the full extent of my evilness on anyone, sometimes when I'm mad I can say some really hurtful things. I also focus a lot on people and what makes them tick. This can be used positively, for gift-buying or compliments, but it can also be used to hurt people. I know exactly what button to push to drive people off the deep end. I usually don't use this, but if I'm hurt or someone has scorned me, I can be pretty nasty. I'm not worried about this one so much because I think the more honest I am with people, the less resentful I will be and then there will be no need to be brash. But, I still recognize that this is a weakness.
Both of these negatives keep popping up in my life and I'm not sure what to do about them. I try so hard to be liked by everyone and to please everyone and not to rock the boat (see: #1), but then something always goes wrong and I feel this need to lash out (see: #2). What's a girl to do?

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