Sunday, February 28, 2010

Birthday wish...

Finally, he turns 18. I think he's been waiting for this day for a while. Almost every one of his friends, and even his girlfriend, is already 18 and has enjoyed the adult life. BUT HIM!!!

...well, not really. Since he already went drinking, clubbing and all. So i don't know what turning 18 will let him- maybe go to the casino and gamble with money away?

I've always said this since the beginning of highschool basically, and i still believe it now: Out of my whole family, i'm the odd one out. Seriously. I cannot be any bit more different than my brother and sister. It's just weird. We share the same blood, the same parents, the same up bringing, and yet- i turn out the be different from them.

At least my brother and sister have similar interest (mainly cars...) but nothing with me.
Things my brother and I have in common in interest: 
- sports (but he likes basketball, while i'm a soccer kind of person)
- shows (friends, How I met Your mother, my wife and kids, scrubs)
Things my sister and I have in common (apart from the obvious):

*a minute later*
I'm already stuck!
- shoes! (or rather, we're the same size and she borrows mine and i borrow hers)
things my sister and brother have in common in interest:
- cars
- music

ok... well, though it's only two.... when we're all together, the most popular topic to discuss is music and cars, and so i'm always not contributing since i don't know anything about cars and music.
Things that I like, that they don't really like:
- music (i'm more c-pop while their playlist is fill with rnb and stuff)
- shows (apart from the comedy, i'm more of a chick-flick)
- movies (same with movies, i'm more of a chick-flick, while they're action oriented)
- books (i can't even remember the last time any of them picked up a book!)
- clothes (sis and i have totally different style of clothes. However, i'm fine with wearing her clothing, but she doesn't really like my style)
- there's also the liking of disney movies 
- and the ability to access my inner-child
They know nothing of my life... seriously!
they won't be able to even begin to enjoy it if they need to

Ok... i don't know how a blog that started with a birthday wish to my brother ended up with this. i should be get going to my work! >< teeheehee

happy birthday anyways, even though, its not like you'll see this post ^.~

Saturday, February 27, 2010

Not wanting to lose...

I'm the type of girl who's quiet,
the one you will not  find in the corner of a party...
in fact on the dance floor,
this is me...

I'm the type of girl who's hard to get to know,
I'm not use to showing myself to people i don't know,
and give myself away.
this is just who i am...

I'm the type of girl who doesn't start a conversation,
friends would know i hardly ever start a conversation,
so if you want to get to know me,
you know what you have to do.

And though i know these are some of the qualities i shouldn't have,
i can't help but have them.
they're in me,
it's who i am.

I want to change,
i really do.
But it's hard to change something,
when you've been like that for a long time.

So don't get second thoughts,
if we haven't talked in a while.
You might think it's because of you,
no, it's because of me.

I hope you understand,
and like me the way i am.
I'm want to change,
and i'm trying to change.

But it's going to take time,
and I hope you know that.
And not forget it.
Because i don't want to lose you as a friend.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

It really pisses me off!! ..grrr

it's the middle of the night... close to midnight.
Everyone in your house is asleep (minus you of course, coz we're just Facebook whores who stay up til the odd hours of the morning on it doing god knows what)
everything around you is silent.
the night sky is so dark you think the stars themselves turned off to go to sleep.
You can't even hear a cat
or a mouse.
it's dead quiet.

and then... from a distant, you hear this car engine. It sounds very far off, you don't think much about it.
but seconds later, the sounds gets much closer.
and then the next second, the car is on your street.
the sound is soo loud it could seriously wake up the neighbourhood.

SERIOUSLY, I HATE CARS WITH TURBO!! (at least, i think that's what its called...)
where it's soo freaken loud.

and if that's not bad enough... having you accelerate down the street... i have to listen to you press your acceleration pedal and off a million times as you SLOWLY back into your driveway.

sorry dude, you are not impressing ANYONE here.

i just want to walk out with a baseball bat the next time to roll down the street at 1 in the morning; after you spent 5 minutes backing it into your driveway and retired into your bedroom, before smashing your goddamn car window with it!!!

how would you feel if i decide to turn up my Bhangra Punjabi pop music up so loud to disturb your sleep at 4 in the morning?!?

Wednesday, February 24, 2010


It's four thirty in the morning, and i had spent that last hour and a half trying to get back to bed.
At four, i realize that i'm just too wide awake to be able to fall asleep again.
So, this is where it leaves me:

Sitting in front of the computer in the living room. Turning to look at the window every to seconds. Watching the world waking itself up, and wonder how... since there are massive grey clouds in the early summer sky.
Hearing birds chirping, watching the leaves sway in the gentle breeze.
......wanting to join the birds and sing an early morning song~

-This is my life~

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Evils laugh.....

omg... i met the most COOLEST guy ever last sunday night!

at first, i thought he was scare looking, because he was wearing a mask
and it was a freaky mask..
but then as the night went on, and he took it off
i was like 'oh, he looks familiar'

and he did look familiar... he would've looked familiar to everyone.

Because you want to know why?
Who he looks like?

And seriously, he looks much like Dracula!!!
wonder if i can find a photo of him..i took one myself, but i'm too lazy to upload the pics from camera to computer...
lets see...

ahh... no... only pictures of him with his mask on.
guess you'll just have to wait until i decide to upload and remember...

but seriously

apparently he is the descendant of the guy Dracula is based on.
Dunno if it's true or not
but by the looks of him,
i would believe that he is.

p.s- fell sick this morning from the drinking of last night.
What happens when there's an open bar
and my bed 5 minutes away

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Memories to carry...

when i thought i had nothing going for me,
i didn't know where i was going in life, what i was here for, and what not.
And then i decided to change my lifestyle- to forget about everything that has happened and start new.
But then i wondered, you can't really start new. And why should you start new.
I remember this scene in One Tree Hill and Lucas and Kieth moves away to start a new life in Charlotte, but then Dan had a heart attack and they came back.
I want to start anew- to just forget and start all over. Forget everything.
But then I wonder if there that is the best option.
Wouldn't it be better to fix the problem instead of ignoring it?
Instead of making new friends, fix the problems with your past friends?

I had a small holiday for the past two days. I left home and went down to the beach with a few of my friends and just enjoyed their presence without thinking about my life back up here. And it worked, i barely thought of what was happening up here, and i could laugh and smile without forcing myself.
That trip to the beach came at a really good time.
And now that i'm back, i can start this new regime for a better life.

I don't want to forget. As much as i like to take the easy way out, I don't want to forget it.
"...but you know there's something I believe. I want to try and live my life carrying all my memories with me. And even if those memories are painful, even if they do nothing but hurt me, I want to keep them. Even those memories I sometimes wish I could forget. As long as I cary them with me, as long as I can keep holding on, then someday I'll be strong enough that those memories don't hurt me anymore, and I'll be glad that I have them. Thats what I believe with all my heart. Thats why all my memories are precious to me, I don't think it would be okay to forget a single one."

Saturday, February 20, 2010

For Ever.....

some comes and goes
others stay forever.
some stupidly cheat you
others cherish you and treat you like you're part of their family.

This is a shout out to my friends.

I didn't think i would of been able to make a long-term friend.
believing that they would soon find out i'm not interesting enough and leave.
but during my years- from highschool and through uni; i've been blessed with the opportunity to be able to meet a wide range of people from all over the world. All with different personalities, different takes on life...

but to be able to find those few from the millions of people you meet throughout your life- those few that stands out from everyone else.

I'm blessed to have met my few. The three girls and two boys who I was able to meet. How we met, i can't remember it anymore, but i don't care about how we met, its the fact that we met, and that they've became my family.

I want to thank them for always looking after me. For always treating me as family. For always teasing me and picking on me. And for being there for me through the tough times.
I don't know what i would've done without you guys.

these five shares my dreams with me. It might not be the same as theirs, but they're always beside me when i dream.
though i know they do judge me when i can't spell/speak properly, they don't make me feel more stupid then i already feel
they're there for me to spill out my daily hatred of the world, and they will, instead of hitting me in the head and tell me to get over myself, join me in hating the world.

I hope that one day, I will be able to show you guys how much you mean to me.
I hope we will be friends forever

(I know we will, since we made a pact that if we're not taken by 35- we'll join together and live together with our cats/dogs/life size dolls) =P

Just because you are crazy does not mean you are wrong....

Joseph A. Stack III may have been one crazed son of a bitch and I personally cannot condone his attack on the IRS building in Austin, but it does not mean the man was wrong, or even angry for all the wrong reasons.

Friday, February 19, 2010

Things i don't like about more a secret!!

Wow, that's a pretty harsh title for a post, but that's basically what this is about. I'm not talking about the superficial things I don't like about myself - I can get over that stuff. I'm talking about the fundamentals, those things at the core of your personality that make you shudder when you think of them. There are a ton of things I do that I'm not proud of. Lately, they've been creeping up in my personal life a lot. As much as I want to change them, some of them I think I'm stuck with, but others I'd like to work on. Here are the top 2:
  1. I'm a coward. No, seriously I am. I am incredibly spineless when it comes to everything, especially with my friends. I don't like having difficult conversations and so I just don't have them. I ignore things I don't like, shove them from my mind and instead focus on the positive. The problem is, those things always bubble up to the surface and when they do, they explode. I'm not the kind of girl that has several little nitpicky fights with my friends. I'm the girl who you'll know for years and never have a single fight and then one day I'll either just stop talking to you or worse, we'll have the mother of all fights and years of issues will come spewing out of my mouth. This is really not good. I need to learn to tell people how I feel, for better or for worse. The funny thing is that I have no problem with blunt honesty directed at me, but I can't seem to dish it out. I need to work on this, especially since I can't imagine being in a real relationship with someone and not being able to be honest with them.
  2. I can be spiteful and petty and I have a wicked tongue. People who don't really know me think I'm a very nice girl. But, I'll let you in on a secret - I'm not really a very nice girl. I am a B***. I can be really evil and I learned from the best. My mother is one of the meanest people I've ever met, and while I'm never that outwardly mean to anyone, I have a sharp, sarcastic sense of humor and I could probably make you cry if I wanted to. While I don't normally unleash the full extent of my evilness on anyone, sometimes when I'm mad I can say some really hurtful things. I also focus a lot on people and what makes them tick. This can be used positively, for gift-buying or compliments, but it can also be used to hurt people. I know exactly what button to push to drive people off the deep end. I usually don't use this, but if I'm hurt or someone has scorned me, I can be pretty nasty. I'm not worried about this one so much because I think the more honest I am with people, the less resentful I will be and then there will be no need to be brash. But, I still recognize that this is a weakness.
Both of these negatives keep popping up in my life and I'm not sure what to do about them. I try so hard to be liked by everyone and to please everyone and not to rock the boat (see: #1), but then something always goes wrong and I feel this need to lash out (see: #2). What's a girl to do?

Thursday, February 18, 2010

The Platform...

Living in a wrld of self created illusions
to humor myself, i romance delusions
Too numb to face the hurricane of reality
My fictitious life remains my escape to sanity
A neverending deliberation to find the roots to my fear
But still i can't understand; maybe coz the answer's too near
More than others, it is with myself that i fight
To mollify the hard facts, i let slip by whatever's right
But many a times, my dubious existence leaves me jaded
Coz sooner or later, this facade will begin to appear faded
When the presumptuous smile shall vanish and the pink of my cheeks would clear
The curtains shall rise and instead of me, a pierrette will appear
Facing a plethora of stares questioning my cowardly creation
And the ignonimity of facing a standalone revelation
I know that those who question me are in their own conscious unclear
Soon, they’ll be in my place is their constant plaguing fear
But today’s my day to face the wrath of the spotlight
Even though I’m not the only one, who with myself, fight
I wonder why ‘I’ becomes uncomfortable with ‘me’
Why the ‘I’ is compelled to be so artificial when ‘me’ is so butterfree
Those who stare at me today could be my likely answer
But there’s limited longevity of a lone lancer
So, shout as much I wish, only to see words strike a transparent wall
Coz even before I can fully justify, the curtains, on my life’s stage...shall fall.. 

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Flash Cherry..

Life can be so fairLet it go on and on
I can push for goodYou got that cherry bomb
Blow out that cherry bomb for meWe lost it long ago
You and me
Now you know your way back from the spirit farBrush your teeth for bed
Blow out that cherry bombBlow out that cherry bomb for me
You got to know it's on your sleeveKnow it's on your sleeve
Know it's on your sleeve

It was the longest day that I ever knownI watched you start that drive alone
Blow out that cherry bomb for meIt's gonna burn right up your sleeve
Burn right up your sleeveSo there you go again
Out in your dressing gownGet yourself to bed
Blow out that cherry bomb

Oh, life could be so fairLet it go on and on
I could pay to haveHave all your cherry bomb
Oh, life could be so fairLet it go on and on
I could pay to haveHave all your cherry bomb

Monday, February 15, 2010

A mask to sleep with...

I cannot draw your face,
No, i cant sketch any line.
Your calm resemblance
that looks like twilight
Yet sunrise at the same time,
Your invigorating countenance
Oh, how I'd love to touch it.
It cannot be written,
No, it cannot be put down into papers,
No, the pencils cannot handle it,
No, I'll just stare into the paper
And imagine you were there
Staring back at me.

Is it God or Something Like Her..

I don’t pretend to be close to God
But there are certain times when prayers rock me golden
Like yellow beats
Move me like trees swaying in the shimla fall
as the branches bare themselves

I am naked
in these moments
Exposed to the most of my soul
And the breath of my skin
heavy with goose bumps and weakness.

“Is God in there?”
I ask in this seconds before sleep comes
When the harmony of voices has sped out of my universe
And I’m left wondering if that was a religious experience
or just a poor man’s version of soul

I toss in sleep
With nightmares of gravity
And the clouds hanging above my slumber
haunt me like grey ghosts.

I wake to the applause of my insides
slow like necessity
I don’t know how to keep this fresh
How to take the down tempo beats blasting
And have them bring me to a higher being

Like lost cities or childhood
I am just trying to bring me back to civilized.
To God or something like her.

Rock me with your lyrics
Dream me into infinity 1000 times over
If I wasn’t so afraid of death I would have done this by now

Sink into the reservoir of blues, greens, spirituality
Beautiful like rain pounding the humid city
on an August day

Like renewal
Like understanding real and not distance
Like lifelong strangers asking if you need a hug

No bitch, I need a voice
I am mute with hallucinogens
Can you stomach that?
Your prayers can’t make my blood thicker or richer
But it can make me feel whole again
Like long drives or phone calls that end with I Love Yous

Something about this feels real
Like love, ache, breaking, body

I move with the beats, rhythm
Feel the spirit of the music in my veins, bones
I am just working on understanding the lyrics.

Gloominess....a fickle..!

Its been pouring the whole day. 
                       Off and on, off and on again. 

So much has been on my mind lately. Yet, when I sit in front of my laptop, the computer screen stares back at me, blankly. My mind conversations just don't seem to translate into blog time, if that makes any sense at all.

 Lately, my mind has been really fickle. I think part of me has always been like that. But it seems to be getting more and more severe recently. Have I always been this difficult? I can spend 10 minutes just picking two apples in a supermarket when 10 people have probably walked past me with 5 apples each in their baskets. I always end up ordering last at a restaurant cause I just can't seem to choose and decide on what I want for lunch or dinner, and most times even after I've placed my order, I'd still look at the menu and wonder if I picked the right thing to eat. 

Ok. I can hear tavi (my roomie )start to panic now. *smiles* I'm sure I am having a great time with her. We're talking about a different topic here ok?

 Am I just being lazy and dependent on others to decide for me? Well of course there are days when I'm just too dominant for my own good I want to decide everything for myself. But its been a long time since I saw those days. What has happened?  I hope its just a passing phase. Maybe I just need to de-clutter my room and brain for more simple storage space and proper organization in life. 

Not done yet...

Row row row your boat 
the journeys' half done
the morning is yet to come 
still time for the rising sun

Dark doubts cloud over the horizon
a trace of fear, a hint of uncertainity 
add more meaning to the black eternity

But all these fade away
no more with the wind you sway
when you conjure up an iron will
and push like hell towards the distant hill

So you row row row your boat 
the journeys' half done
the morning is yet to come 
still time for the rising sun

In the pitch black darkness you see clearly
the green grass the dotted trees 
the temple on the hill and the monkeys
on the beach kids play and scream 
all vividly in your dream

Your doubts were mistaken, you realise
you'll always have good company
never did you think you'll come this far
but just look up, theres always with you the northern star

So you row row row your boat 
the journeys' half done
the morning is yet to come 
still time for the rising sun

Friday, February 12, 2010

Six feet from edge....?Choice?

After yesterday's dustup with the assholes at my job, I had a quiet day today. I didn't see either of the morons who decided to fuck me out of 20 percent of my  paycheck. I appreciated that, but it didn't mean I had a pleasant day. Fighting with my Department head(chucker) yesterday made me tense all day in preparation for a similar confrontation today, and I had a wicked tension headache by the time I left that hasn't completely subsided even after yoga, Advil and a hot shower.

Standing up for myself is a relatively new feat for me. My mom has been on my case for years to be more assertive, but now that I'm taking her advice, I'm not sure I see the benefits. Obviously, my goal in standing up for myself yesterday was to be told they intended to make good on their promise that I could make up the hours I missed due to the blizzard. That didn't happen. My mom insists that there was still a benefit to standing up for myself, but is that true?

I obsess. It's the main reason why I have a blog in the first place. Once everyone I know is tired of listening to me go on and on about something, I can pour out my feelings here. I don't enjoy obsessing. I don't get anything out of it. I do it because I can't not do it. I literally can't make my brain stop thinking about something once I get started. I thought that standing up for myself might provide a release valve for that whirlpool of unwanted thoughts, but it didn't. I'm not obsessing over what I should have said or how I should have insisted they keep their word, but I'm obsessing over my indignation that they didn't, their rudeness, their dishonesty in telling me I could make up the hours and then going back on it, their dishonesty in explaining why they broke their word, and whether I should quit. Rather than curtail the obsessing, standing up for myself just pushed the focus to something else equally unproductive.

I may now be seen as combative or a troublemaker. Had I meekly accepted the cut in hours, I would still have suffered some rudeness from my direct supervisor, but we could have avoided the scene in his office that his office mate witnessed. The fact that my hours  were cut this week without warning makes me worried that they will have more temps than work not just this week but going forward. It's shitty of them to hire people they can't keep occupied full-time (a fact I'm sure my recruiter noted, since it deprives him and his agency of money as well), but that doesn't mean it didn't happen. If they have to let someone go, it will be me at the moment since I'm the thorn in their collective paw.

Maybe standing up for yourself is an exercise in finding out who has the upper hand. They can cut my hours without warning, explanation or remorse. They can also fire me. I can complain, and I can quit. Those are the cards we each have to play in this situation. They don't know that I have another full-time job, which gives me some latitude to tell them to go pound sand, even in this terrible economy. I don't know what internal politics are motivating a decision to cut hours that hurts them as well by lowering the number of hours they can bill to their client.

Maybe standing up for yourself is about demanding respect from yourself and others. If I hadn't confronted my two supervisors about this hours bullshit, I would feel bad about myself. Even though I didn't get what I wanted, I feel like I did the right thing. (Unfortunately, I'm concerned that doing the right thing for myself might lead to being fired, but I have to remind myself that my overall self-esteem is worth more than any lame temp job.) I don't think I succeeded in getting the respect I demanded from my supervisors (based on the fact that they have no problem lying to me or breaking promises to me or treating me shabbily), but they know I'm not a pushover.

I guess what my mom is trying to teach me here is that standing up for yourself is about nurturing and improving your overall sense of self-respect and that that self-respect is more valuable than any one job (especially when I will have many jobs in my lifetime and this job is temporary by its very nature). Maybe standing up for yourself is about not always caving in to the hundreds of compromises you're asked to make to your values every day. Maybe there's also an element to it of trusting in the universe (or God, or whatever higher power someone follows) to provide you with another chance to make money that doesn't involve letting someone else shit all over you.

So, that leads me to the question of whether or not it's worth it to quit this job. One thing I can't stop obsessing about right now is going into my supervisor's supervisor's office next week and giving my notice. I keep thinking about what I would say. Truthfully, it's not an opportune time to quit. I'm halfway done with that task right now, which is an achievement I'm proud of, but that still leaves half that I'd like to pay off.  So, at this very moment in time, I don't plan to quit. That said, it's incredibly nice to know I have that option. If I go in next week, and my supervisor gives me the same hateful attitude he gave me yesterday, I have the freedom to tell him to shove his job up his ass. A lot of people don't have that freedom, especially in this economy, and I'm grateful that I do. For now, I'm just going to hold that knowledge close to my heart while I smile and do my job and pretend not to hate them while hoping they don't fire me.

Haze moments....short period!!

I just sit there, and let the thoughts flood
And I remind myself it’s all right, it’s all good
It’s all love, it’s not though
Cuz there’s a kink in the armor
A pot hole I’m sinkin’ in, the more I think of the drama
So I stand up, I start to pace in my living room
Set my eye to the highway, knowin’ that I’ll play life soon

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

U cant stop me thinking....

In ur office, 
sittin on ur chair,amid the chaos,
if u hav a second to spare,
look beyond the glass of ur cabinate,
u will see a mass of humanity sloggin,
movin 4 no reasonable purpose or reason....

u may shrug ur head n plunge bak in the pool of existense,
like most of us do,
for a change though u can do better,
a little childish as it may appear,
yet u cud jst do a fraction better...

close ur eyes n look within carefully,
with patience,
in sm corner of the cabinate u will see a dot appear,
which will slowly grow big n fill ur sight wid such beuty u always wanna stare,
a cool breeze,
a fragrance,
a seaside, 
a moonlit nite,
a heart throb,
it ll all b thr...

to welcome u wid open arms,
craving for ur queenly presence,
walk a little n grab ur share of attention,
experience the elation...
till u a happy n merry enough to pull u through d day....

Chances (missed)..!

it's weird when someone gets hurt... it's because of you, but it's their own doing.

one can't help but feeling responsible.

i guess it's my turn to be happy and move forward. i didn't miss my chance this time.
however, when i think of it... i've almost always purposely missed my 'chance' in the past. 

i hope i'm right in thinking that maybe what i was waiting for actually does exist...

The other world

Other world.....really you can feel or i should say step into some other world..!!

Cant resist myself frm clicking dem...

They say a lot..though not literaly .

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Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Lets get it started ....

This is not the first time for me to start blogging ...tried a lot of times earlier..but  that spark was missing....!! But this time ...constantly pushed by some of my folks (Thanking dem peeps) i go...!! Or u can say i got that spark...thats why i coined it Auden spark!

In  Cunnings word....
(once like a spark)

if strangers meet
life begins-
not poor not rich
(only aware)
kind neither
nor cruel
(only complete)
i not not you
not possible;
only truthful
if strangers(who
deep our most are

(and so to dark)